Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.
It has been a year since my last confession.
And I have been duped.
In the worst way.
I live the life I always feared. The life I never wanted. Every. Single. Day.
So how can I be wrong to want it differently?
Supposedly, I make decisions based on my feelings.
Deep breath in. Out. In. Warmth through those veins. Feelings that used to be dead and gone. Back again. Living like you're 23 again when you're about to be the ancient 35. Those numbers don't even look right. Can't you be 23 with the understanding of 32?
"Saying goodbye to you...that was the worst. Divorce was never that hard."
"I always knew what we had was special.... I've always been baffled at your choice."
"I was ready to fly to see you, all you had to say was 'Come.'"
I never forgot about you. I forgot the chemistry, sure. I even was grateful for you and convinced myself I needed you to be sure of my decision.
Here's how and what I chose.
For fuck's sake.
I picked someone I was never physically attracted to.
I rejected the person who made my heart flutter when I saw him the first time. The person I was inexplicably draw to.
I chose the person whose touch now makes me shudder and rejected the one who can liquefy me with the touch of his finger on my knee.
I am lost.
What have I done?