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07 June 2016, at 10:53 pm

Father, forgive me, for I have sinned.


It has been a year since my last confession.

And I have been duped.

In the worst way.

I live the life I always feared. The life I never wanted. Every. Single. Day.

So how can I be wrong to want it differently?

Supposedly, I make decisions based on my feelings.
Supposedly, I keep my options open.
Supposedly, I rely on my intuition.
It is one of those life altering decisions.
And yet....
I keep my options open and am so sad when he does, too.

Deep breath in. Out. In. Warmth through those veins. Feelings that used to be dead and gone. Back again. Living like you're 23 again when you're about to be the ancient 35. Those numbers don't even look right. Can't you be 23 with the understanding of 32?

"Saying goodbye to you...that was the worst. Divorce was never that hard."

"I always knew what we had was special.... I've always been baffled at your choice."

"I was ready to fly to see you, all you had to say was 'Come.'"

I never forgot about you. I forgot the chemistry, sure. I even was grateful for you and convinced myself I needed you to be sure of my decision.

Here's how and what I chose.
I chose a person who would be a better father. I chose a person who would be seen as smarter. I chose a person who looked like a winner. I chose a person who I thought was my better. I chose someone who was "teachable." Seriously. I boiled down to a stupid conversation with my mother where I laid out all the pros and cons and she said, "Does it matter if one is 'cool' now and the other isn't? What lasts? What is forever? A person who is 'teachable' lasts. Which one is 'teachable?'"

For fuck's sake.

I picked someone I was never physically attracted to.
I picked someone who had a hard time understanding me.
I picked someone who was good at writing. Who could spell well. Who had better grades. Who was seen as "up and coming."

I rejected the person who made my heart flutter when I saw him the first time. The person I was inexplicably draw to.
I rejected the person who understood me.
I rejected the person who spoke the language of music and who just needed the right prescription to balance what was going on in his head.

I chose the person whose touch now makes me shudder and rejected the one who can liquefy me with the touch of his finger on my knee.

And now.


I am lost.

What have I done?

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