"I lose things. I forget easily. I don't know how I'd be able to keep track of my life plus theirs."

My mom's answer surprised me, and seemed slightly irrelevant...but I think it was meant to encourage me.

"You don't give yourself enough credit," she said. "I've seen you grow a lot since you've started your job. You take responsibility and initiative. You keep working at something until it's done. You're a different person."

I suppose the reason I was so surprised is that I thought I've always been that way. But perhaps I was as responsible as I was capable of being at that time? I don't really know.

What she meant, I think, is that I rise to the challenge.

"You know, a sanguine personality would have the same kinds of difficulties that you're describing. But they wouldn't care, they'd accept it as part of themselves. You're not sanguine, and you can't let these things go. They're unacceptable. You tell yourself you shouldn't be that way and you get mad at yourself."

(Why can't I remember more of the solutions she told me?)

A couple hours later, we were talking again about parenthood.

"I've come to understand that you can't be a perfect parent (don't have to be?). You just need to be humble, growing from mistakes. When you were 10 or 11, I realized how I needed to raise you. I learned how important it was to be sure we raised you individually. To find out who you are."

I wish I could remember more of what she said.

I told her I wanted to know everything about parenting first.
"You can't know it all ahead of time. You learn."
"Did he know what he was in for when he married her?" I asked about a family friend.
"Does anyone know?" was my mom's response.

I'm seeing that pregnancy -- while I'll hate what will do to my body and hormones -- will be like Paul's and my engagement. Reality of marriage exists and there's a set time until the date. During our engagement, we learned more about each other. Once we make the decision for children, once I'm pregnant, we'll have that time to learn and grow. Being engaged was fun because we were in a safer place, because we had so much to look forward to, and because we knew the uncertainties were (mostly) behind us. Pregnancy will be a time of exponential emotional growth (physically, haha) as we look forward to the day our family unit is completed by a child.

"The important thing is that you have a husband who loves you," Mom said. "Someone you feel safe with."

While I'm not ready to chuck the birth control pills...I'm not totally afraid that I'll be an awful mom who doesn't like her kids (or whose kids don't like her). I don't have to be what I don't want to be. I have a choice...and while I won't be the perfect parent the minute I give birth, I can learn. I do rise to the occasion. I don't give up. I don't shirk responsibilities. I find ways around my weaknesses and I am learning to lean on Paul for his strengths.