last night around 2am, paul tried to convince me to run to the store and get a pregnancy test. this afternoon we got gas at wal-mart and then circled the parking lot, debating whether to go inside and get the test.

finally tonight, we got ice cream (brownie mud pie by bryers).
"since we're already in wal-mart, we might as well get the test," Paul said. a big part of me feels like the only reason to get that cube of ice cream was to have another excuse to get that test. ("the most advanced piece of technology i'll ever pee on")

i am drinking water now, trying to fill up to take the test...but also really nervous. i'm nervous for either answer. "yes" because it means my life will never again be the same. "no" because what if it's always "no"?

i made paul promise not to tell anyone until i can tell my folks in person, which won't be for a couple more weeks. we're going to try and tell both our parents at about the same time.

i don't know how to explain the way i feel about this...it's not as if knowing versus not knowing will change the outcome. but it'll totally change how i feel and what i think about and how i perceive the next few months of my life. if i am pregnant, it'll definitely light a fire under my fingers to get these books written. and what if we really had twins like I so desperately want (and am scared of at the same time)?

if i am a mom, how can i fulfill these things that i want to do? how can i travel and teach? how can i go to these nations and be with these orphan girls to write their stories? am i ready for the sacrifice? for the end to "me"? i think i am and yet i'm nervous.
but i was also nervous right before i got married. nervous about the sacrifice, of having someone else in my life, of my decisions spreading out beyond just me. and marriage has been the best thing i've ever done. i'm sure being a mom will feel that way too.

now what will i do if it's a minus sign?

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His perspective....

This afternoon, as we circled through Wal-mart, so many thoughts raced through my mind. I am nervous... nervous that we have failed... that we may never succeed... that we may be unable to have a baby. I don't know if these are fair thoughts. After all, this is only our first month trying. But hey, that's what i feel. It seems like if this test comes back negative, it resounds our impending failure for the rest of our lives.

This past month, one constant thought plagued me. Every time I saw a baby, a kid, a family, I thought... "No fair. How come they are so lucky? How come it always seemed so easy before we were trying and now it all seems so impossible?"

Since we snuck the test into my grandma's house, other thoughts filled my mind. I am less nervous. I want to take the test... and yet I want to wait. I feel as though taking the test shuts the door of hope that we are pregnant. Right now, we are hopeful... holding back our feelings cuz we don't want to get them crushed. but taking the test closes the door of hope... and then only two options remain... defeat or overwhelming joy.

I just wish pregnancy tests came with a third reading... "Not yet..."

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the result:

I had an inkling about this one...a minus sign. Part of me wonders "did I hold it at the wrong angle?" "did I do something wrong somehow?"

Of course now I keep noticing all the pregnant women, the "celebrity moms" email that popped in my junkmail folder advertising parents.com....