It continued like that for the next two weeks.
I didn't realize how long I had been holding my breath until this weekend. Until I had a chance to put my head above the water and breathe in those sweet gulps of air.

Last night, as I finished working, I was so exhausted. And then a phrase came to my mind. It startled me.

"The enemy came to steal, kill and destroy."

I recognized that phrase. It's a verse from the Gospel of John in the Bible. (John 10:10) And then the phrase continued:

"But I have come that you might have life, and have it to the fullest."

I just about broke down in tears. I had been harboring doubts and resentments and just plain pain. Mentally I knew that my suspicion that God would have taken my son was not correct. Mentally I knew that there are so many things that go wrong in this world that are not as God would want them.

Mentally, I knew all these things.

But in my heart, I suppose I was still surprised by the thought.

God doesn't like death any more than I do.

God wants us to have life. To lead a full life. God didn't want Kaleb to die any more than I did.
I felt this momentary expansion in my head. It's so hard to describe. Like I could almost see the bigger picture, see that there were and still are so many different players in this game we call life. Players that are hiding in the shadows. Unseen, almost magnetic. Influencers.

It sounds so strange to write it out, and if I was listening to anyone else say this, I would roll my eyes. But it was this understanding that I don't have complete understanding. And that it's ok. That there is so much more happening than I can even see and comprehend.

But the most important thing, the most refreshing and healing thing, is that phrase that says "I came that you might have LIFE."

Last night as I took my prenatals, my fish oils, my vitamin D, my extra vitamin B, and slathered on my hated progesterone cream, I came to terms with my time in this two-week wait. I came to terms with either outcome.

"If there's a baby growing in me now, make him or her the healthiest baby," I prayed. "And if there's not a baby right now, make my uterus the healthiest it can be to grow another child."

And that is what I will keep praying each day. Whether Monday brings a little pink plus sign or just the negative sign.

Because I know that in all things, God is good. He is trustworthy. And I am beginning to realize there is so much more behind the prayer that the Apostle Paul prayed for the people who lived in Ephesus so long ago: