Who knows. No questions answered in my head yet. Just avoiding phone calls. Wondering if my mailbox will explode when I have a gift from both of them arriving on the same day.

I hate Valentine's Day and all the assumptions and expectations that go along with it. I hate it more when I have a "someone" because nothing seems right. Because life isn't a romantic comedy.

I'd rather imagine What Could Be than look straight into the face of What Is.

I've effectively shut him out these last two weeks. Instead of talking, I dream what I'm feeling if I don't immediately drop to sleep, exhausted.

Last night I dreamed there was a wedding. I belatedly discovered I was the star.

"I'm not ready," I said as they slipped me into a dress. "And I don't like this dress. It doesn't fit right."

When given the option of another wardrobe, I couldn't make up my mind. One after another, I tried on each gown in front of a three way mirror. I picked what seemed least offensive.

My mom and I hurried into the church. I dawdled. She watched me and then asked for the person in charge.

I sat on a chair, wiping at the foreign makeup hastily painted on by people with shadowy faces. I waited.

She finally returned and whispered furtively into my ear. "We can go home. This was a mostly a hoax, an advertising scheme."

I'm afraid that what I really am is the Runaway Bride, except I've never gotten that far. Just the expectation, just inspired someone to look at a ring or save his money or ....