I reluctantly woke the next morning, slapping snooze. Hackensack came to my mind and I did not enjoy the irony of life imitating music.

"If I can just go back to sleep, it will go away," I thought. "It's just a bad dream, this confusion. This not-knowing. It's just a bad dream knowing that no matter my decision, someone's heart will be broken."

It's been in the back of my mind for days.

"You sound like you're shopping for a new car," my sister said.

I suppose that's how I make many of my decisions. The "intellector" in me...the part that wants to see all sides of a decision, that wants to look down the road and see how it will turn out, which consequences go with which decision, weighing the pros and cons.

What about your heart? What about your feelings? I've been asked, though not in so many words.

The answer...if only I knew. It feels like I'm weighing a business transaction versus a trip to Figi. One makes sense in the long run when certain strengths and weaknesses are balanced, worked on, discovered, learned. The other seems like vacation, like all the fun things I've wanted, but leaves me wondering if it's the best investment. If it's the best for all involved.

I feel tied to the friends, the families on both ends, though not as much with this "cart follower." Instead, I have the testimonies of so many who told him he'd be crazy to give me up, that we make a good team, that his guitar complements my flute, that our music could fill every room. They said nothing to me, perhaps knowing my circumstances.

Or I have the testimonies of people on the other side, the ones who've known us individually since we were born. The ones who've been both our friends. The ones who think we'd be a good writing and teaching team, coming up with new ideas all the time. The hundreds of people he's told, I've told, his plans in the making. The surprises he hints at.

And I have their testimonies. "I can't be without you for that long." "I like you more and more as I'm with you." "I can't deny any longer that I'm attracted to you, that this is not just a platonic relationship." "I can't talk about 'ifs' anymore. This has to work, I can't imagine it not. My heart would be shattered."

And mine. What's mine?

That's where I'm stuck. I can't just "follow my heart" because it's tied inextricably to my head to my dreams for the future to a vague feeling of what everyone else wants.

Mom knows my struggle. She won't take sides (she only knows one of them anyway). She only points out my fear of intimacy, challenges me to look at past relationships and see why I am having such strong reactions. Why things are so intense.